Thought # 3
I could be plugged into Nine Inch Nails. I watched an episode of Rick and Morty – Season 2 Episode 10. Rick turned himself in for his family.
Would I do the same?
Would I let go of myself for you? Become exactly the person you want me to be and somehow live the way you see it? I know I can’t do it – it will kill me. So rather than having myself be killed at your hands, I shall do it on my own.
Andrea Gibson says that we are all scarred and I feel the truth of her words. We are not this perfect family that we pretend to be.
I am not perfect and I don’t want to be whatever you think “PERFECT” means. I just want to be me – without your expectations and without your judgment.
And so even though I know I was worth so much more in this life, I won't realize much of it. Because if there is one thing you have shown me through brute force and your emotional immaturity - it is that my life is not TRULY mine and everything has to be done as you see fit because YOU CHOOSE TO PLAY GOD.
But don't you see? I cannot be your brand of me.
So whether it means abandoning all my dreams, whether it means numbing my heart for an eternity or even ceasing to breathe – I will do all of these, because I will not let go of who I am and lead the life you need me to live.
So, forgive me that I can’t be what / who you wanted me to be.
I am me and this is who I will always choose to be.
So keep my will and keep my memories, because for now I don’t care much more for this life and what it means for me.